There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
