My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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