this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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