Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
