I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
