I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i believe in u and ur pee
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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