Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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