i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
