last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
