i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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