grandma shit on top of the toilet
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
