My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
