does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
