weddingsv make me drug and hornr
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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