you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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