My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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