im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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