clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
