K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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