I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
