Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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