You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
