tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
