my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
