I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
