Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
