Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
