i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
