I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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