I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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