if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
