I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
