Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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