Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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