I wanna bring you to show and tell
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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