I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
should my penis look like a turkey
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize