She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
