Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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