Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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