Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You pole danced in your parka.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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