Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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