come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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