Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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