omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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