I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Randomize
