my mouth tastes like poor choices
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize