Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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