i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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