I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
