I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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