If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize