The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
