508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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