Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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