I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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