Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
