She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
