i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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