My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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