did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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