I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
