I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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