Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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