Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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