I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
