He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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